I am in my early 20s, and some might say that I am in the prime of my life, a time to truly enjoy and experience the world. I agree.
I’ve had the incredible opportunity to travel, indulge in the finer things in life, and—most importantly—fall in love with myself. My past relationships, along with my life experiences, have shaped me into the person I am today. These experiences have given me clarity on what I truly want and what I won’t settle for in a potential partner.
One thing that’s become clear to me is the importance of having boundaries. These boundaries serve as a guide for the kind of relationship I am looking for.
The Fear of Marriage and Why I’m Taking My Time
The idea of marriage often scares me. I know it’s a commitment—a lifelong commitment. And while I believe that when couples say the words “I do,” they’re not anticipating a divorce, the reality is that around 40% to 50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce, according to the American Psychological Association.
The divorce rate has skyrocketed for various reasons. And that’s why I choose to take my time in finding “the one.” I’m not intimidated by societal pressures to get married or have children. I’m not concerned about the ticking of my biological clock either.
My past relationships, life lessons, and countless late-night conversations with loved ones have led me to create a list of 11 questions I ask my potential suitors. These questions help me understand whether we’re on the same page and whether we’re truly compatible for the long haul.
1. Do you believe in God? (Are you a disciple?)
This is by far the most important question I ask. After the honeymoon phase fades, the real work of a relationship begins. Life has its ups and downs, and I want our relationship to have a strong foundation. For me, faith in God is that foundation, and I believe it will help us weather tough times together.
2. What are your non-negotiables?
Everyone has things they can’t compromise on, and understanding my partner’s non-negotiables is key to knowing him better. Likewise, I have my own deal-breakers, and it’s important that we respect each other’s boundaries and values.
3. What are your saving habits?
Money is often a point of conflict in relationships, and lack of communication around finances can be a major reason why marriages fail. For me, it’s important that we are on the same page financially, as I want to create generational wealth. How we spend, save, and invest our money matters to me.
4. What are your goals in life? (Financially & Spiritually)
Marriage is a partnership, and there’s no “I” in team. In order to support my partner’s goals, I need to know what they are—both financially and spiritually. I am incredibly ambitious and want to be with someone who is equally motivated to fulfill their potential.
5. Do you want children? How many?
Not everyone wants kids, and that’s okay. But I do. I want to know if we’re on the same page about this big life decision. I’m also curious about how many children my potential partner envisions—some men want a large family, and some prefer none at all. Knowing this early on helps avoid future disappointments.
6. Where/When do you see yourself settling down?
I love to travel and experience new cultures, and I’m not ready to settle down in one place just yet. I want to know if my partner shares this sense of adventure or if they have a more traditional view of where and when they see themselves settling down.
7. How do you deal with disappointments & arguments?
We are all human, and that means we’re not perfect. Communication is key to any successful relationship, especially when it comes to disagreements or disappointments. I need to understand how my partner handles tough situations—do they shut down, get defensive, or are they open to working through issues?
8. What are your views on gender roles?
In my ideal relationship, I believe in an equal partnership—50/50. However, I know this isn’t the case for everyone. I want my potential suitor and me to have an open conversation about our views on gender roles, especially if we were to get married.
9. What are your values?
Values are incredibly important to me. We may come from different backgrounds or have different opinions, but understanding each other’s core values is crucial for building a strong, lasting relationship.
10. Does it matter if I make more money than you?
This question can be a sensitive topic for some, but I believe it’s important to address. Some men feel intimidated or insecure if their partner earns more. I need to know if that would be an issue in our relationship, because if it is, I don’t think we’d be compatible in the long term.
11. What’s your love language?
Love is an action, and understanding how my partner expresses love—and how they want to receive it—is essential for nurturing a strong, healthy relationship. Whether it’s words of affirmation, acts of service, or physical touch, knowing each other’s love languages can help us better support one another.
Author’s Note: The author of this article requested to remain anonymous.